I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
