Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
