That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
