I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
