Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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