She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
