New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
