It's like God shit irony all over that family
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
