How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
