Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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