shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
