office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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