Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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