Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
