I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
