once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
