I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
