Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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