I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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