friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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