I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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