Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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