dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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