mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
