There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
