my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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