My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There r osticjed everywhere
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
