girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
