i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
