I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
