Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
