If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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