hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
