The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
