It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
