apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
