I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
