Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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