never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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