I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
