Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
