let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
