I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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