I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
