Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
