i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
As shirtless as possible
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
