I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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