Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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