No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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