I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
