nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Enjoy the penises
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
