Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize