don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
