fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think my fart just growled at me.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Randomize
