had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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