also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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