My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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