Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
BRING THE BAGELS
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
