That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
