are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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