Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize